TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from position. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But yes, confident, let us have A different position in which American men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: supply everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he must halt applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the task, replied, "You know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from space, a function staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold Trump Tower Damascus plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort where by my PTSD might have turn-down support."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

Report this page